Siblings

When Travis was born, my world changed. I welcomed it. I had an idea of what parenting would be like, but I never expected to love him so much. I guess you just can't know that kind of love until your a parent. A worried, delightful and sometimes exasperating love. I never considered whether my heart would have enough room for him, it just did.

I wanted Vanessa for a long time. I wanted Travis to have a sibling, because I have never intended for him to be an only child. But when Travis was born 9 weeks early, it scared us. Henry and I decided that we would have to wait for Travis to be in school before having another just in case we had another preemie.

It wasn't until I was hospitalized when I was pregnant with Vanessa that I had regrets. I didn't get to see Travis everyday and when I did, it wasn't for long. I didn't get to cuddle him, because most of the time I was hooked up to an IV. He was scared of me, and I could tell. All I could think of was how selfish I was for wanting another child.

And then, Vanessa was born so small and so helpless (it seemed at least). Travis couldn't see her, he wasn't allowed in the unit because of a Whopping Cough outbreak. Then, the day after Vanessa was born, she took a turn for the worst. We thought we might lose her, and all I could think was how would I explain it to Travis. She struggled for a few days, and these thoughts kept playing through my head. I cried to my mom and explained that I just didn't feel attached to her. I look back and think it was probably because I was afraid to touch her and she was too fragile to hold.

It broke my heart to feel the way I did. But little by little, breath by breath, my heart made room for Vanessa. Each day it got better and better, and when Vanessa finally came home and Travis was so happy, I knew as painful as it all was, it was worth it.

Now, I am constantly reminded of how much Vanessa was meant to be part of our family. Travis doesn't go easy on his sister, and he is probably the only one that doesn't look at her like the little miracle that she is. Travis just loves his sister, plain and simple. He picks on her and praises her, and always loves to make her laugh. Vanessa is enamored with her big brother. The minute she hears his voice, she get's excited. I'm sure that soon they will be at odds with each other, fighting over who knows what, but for now I'm going to enjoy them as they are now.

I often try to distinguish whether my emotions are preemie or parent related. Did anyone have this experience with their second child? I'd love to hear your story. I promise I won't judge :)

15 Month Update!

Obviously, we've had many, many, many visits to the Peditrician's office since Vanessa came home just less than 1 year ago. Most of these visits are ok, but ultimately result in a conversation about Vanessa's weight gain (or lack there of). This has been one of the most stressful things for me since discharge and maybe even before that. The thing that I've had such a hard time with is that with my Lactation Education/Training, I was taught to look at the baby. I know what a failure to thrive baby looks like, and that has never been Vanessa. So, all along I've struggled when we've had to have a discussion about her weight, because to me if she wasn't meeting milestones and was regressing, then yeah, I could justify that maybe her intake would be impacting that. But when I look at Vanessa and see her doing things that many, many, many former 25 weekers never do, I have a very hard time critcising her weight gain.

That being said, I've seen my Pediatrician since we moved out to Arizona. He's been seeing Travis since Travis was 6 months old and I love his no nonsense attitude. He doesn't get overly excited about things, so the fact that we was talking to me so much about weight gain made it clear to me that this was important even with Vanessa's apparent developmental gains. So since July, Henry and I have been doing everything we can to up her caloric/fat intake. I researched the highest calorie fruits and veggies and made sure those were what she was primarily eating. Of course, we had some bumps along the way. Vanessa got RSV and pretty much didn't eat for a week. That sucked. Then following the RSV she got 3 ear infections. That sucked too. Sick babies don't care to eat and I can't blame them, because eating is not a priority for me when I'm sick either.

So by the time Vanessa's 1 year appointment came up in September, it's not very surprising that she was a tiny 13.8 lbs. Ugh. The doctor said to put her on toddler formula because it's higher in calories than whole milk. I'll say this is probably one of the few times I didn't listen and took a risk. Everything I read about toddler formula was that it was very sweet, which worried me that I wouldn't ever get her to drink anything that wasn't sweet. So I put her on whole milk and kept up our high calorie fruit/veggie diet. I'm proud to say that on Tuesday, she weighed a whopping 18 lbs! She gained 5 lbs since September! We are still sticking with her diet, although we've gotten a little bit less stringent on it as she is loving table foods which is nearly impossible to track her intake with that. But, she can't be eating purees for the rest of her life, so she needs to explore and I'm fine with that.



This is a full term infant growth chart. What the doctor looks at is to see if a) she's following the curve and b) if she's getting close to being on the curve. As you can see, she's getting there!

Ok, so she's still in the 0%ile for her weight... Who cares!



Yummy Pasta!