Siblings

When Travis was born, my world changed. I welcomed it. I had an idea of what parenting would be like, but I never expected to love him so much. I guess you just can't know that kind of love until your a parent. A worried, delightful and sometimes exasperating love. I never considered whether my heart would have enough room for him, it just did.

I wanted Vanessa for a long time. I wanted Travis to have a sibling, because I have never intended for him to be an only child. But when Travis was born 9 weeks early, it scared us. Henry and I decided that we would have to wait for Travis to be in school before having another just in case we had another preemie.

It wasn't until I was hospitalized when I was pregnant with Vanessa that I had regrets. I didn't get to see Travis everyday and when I did, it wasn't for long. I didn't get to cuddle him, because most of the time I was hooked up to an IV. He was scared of me, and I could tell. All I could think of was how selfish I was for wanting another child.

And then, Vanessa was born so small and so helpless (it seemed at least). Travis couldn't see her, he wasn't allowed in the unit because of a Whopping Cough outbreak. Then, the day after Vanessa was born, she took a turn for the worst. We thought we might lose her, and all I could think was how would I explain it to Travis. She struggled for a few days, and these thoughts kept playing through my head. I cried to my mom and explained that I just didn't feel attached to her. I look back and think it was probably because I was afraid to touch her and she was too fragile to hold.

It broke my heart to feel the way I did. But little by little, breath by breath, my heart made room for Vanessa. Each day it got better and better, and when Vanessa finally came home and Travis was so happy, I knew as painful as it all was, it was worth it.

Now, I am constantly reminded of how much Vanessa was meant to be part of our family. Travis doesn't go easy on his sister, and he is probably the only one that doesn't look at her like the little miracle that she is. Travis just loves his sister, plain and simple. He picks on her and praises her, and always loves to make her laugh. Vanessa is enamored with her big brother. The minute she hears his voice, she get's excited. I'm sure that soon they will be at odds with each other, fighting over who knows what, but for now I'm going to enjoy them as they are now.

I often try to distinguish whether my emotions are preemie or parent related. Did anyone have this experience with their second child? I'd love to hear your story. I promise I won't judge :)