Progress

Sorry everyone for the previous post. I didn't mean to worry anyone, but it had been a rough couple of days. Since then, we've actually made some big progress. First, and I guess one benefit to still being in the hospital is that Vanessa was able to get her 4 month shots (and be watched closely for adverse effects). I was with her for 2 of the 3 shots, and both times she let out one sad cry, and was done! She is one tough girl! Vanessa is 8 lbs 14 oz and growing like a weed! After we got the shots out of the way, on Saturday morning, Miss Vanessa was being a wild one with her oxygen prongs. She was grabbing at them and had them in her mouth and eventually up on top of her nose, so Vanessa's primary nurse wasn't having it, so she just took the oxygen off! That was Saturday morning at 8 am, and here we are late Sunday night and she hasn't needed them yet. It's too soon to say whether she will tire out and need it again, but I'm very excited that she has gotten this far. It comforts me that if she were home on oxygen, and pulled off her oxygen she wouldn't be in immediate danger. We've also made some strides with feeding! Over the weekend I was able to nurse Vanessa for 4 out of her 6 feeds (this was decided upon by her doctor since Vanessa is such a good nurser, but crummy bottle feeder). We are hoping with the recent strides that we will be going home soon, and right now there is a big chance that we will take home a "wireless" baby.

I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel again... We are making progress, and it feels good!

 Some of our first pictures with no O2 and no feeding tube!

 Bath Time!

 Daddy-Daughter Snuggling

 Vanessa doing her Carseat test. She has to be in the seat for 1.5 hours and not need any oxygen support to pass. She didn't need support, but she dropped her oxygen saturation a little, so we may have to repeat this test. Doesn't she look just perfect in that carseat?

Snoozin... Vanessa has reflux (very common with preemies) so after she eats, it helps for her to stay upright.



4 Months... 123 Days... But Who's Counting?

Today, Vanessa is 4 months old and still has not been outside the hospital. Her entire world is one room that has no windows and it's rather depressing. I had thought that passing her due date would be difficult, but today, 4 months old has turned out to be much harder. I never expected that we would be in the hospital for 4 months. Honestly, I don't know how we made it this far. I think back to all those 60 something days on the ventilator, and how I longed for the days to come, and yet I still find myself looking forward to the future. I dream of having a "wireless baby", where when I pick her up, I don't have to worry about her being hooked on to odds and ends. I dream about Vanessa eating food, sitting up, crawling, walking, talking... I dream a lot about her talking, and I dream about how sweet her little voice will be. I think a lot too. I think about both Travis and Vanessa, and how I love them so much that I don't think they will ever quite understand. But mostly, I pray for the day that my family will be under one roof.

Vanessa is 8 lbs 7 oz, and it looks like the dream that I had a few months ago that she was 10 lbs when she came home may end up being a reality. So, the burning question... Why can't she come home? Right now, Vanessa is on low enough oxygen that she could come home with the oxygen. The problem is now that when she bottle feeds, she is normally only able to take 25-50% of the amount she needs to take. What seems to happen is she refluxes (heartburn for us grown ups) and because it's painful she kind of shuts down and decides not to continue eating. It is so frustrating. The worst part about it is to see her in pain. She has been through so much, it seems completely unfair for her to have been dealt this card as well.

I'm still angry. I'm angry that the woman  with the baby two babies down from Vanessa has a 3 lb baby that is doing so well, that the baby will probably go home before Vanessa. I'm angry that I have been back at work for 3 months, and I only get 2 hours a day with my baby, and that mom spends all day with her baby. I'm angry that I can't be with Vanessa to soothe her and comfort her, and to show her just how much I love her. I'm especially angry that today, when I left I could hear her cry and the thought of her crying when I'm not there breaks my heart.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

 Vanessa had some very special visitors, the Politi Girls!

Vanessa is starting to look like her Daddy!

  

Miss Vanessa is starting to smile!

Swinging away!

Vanessa's World

100 Days

New Years day not only marked my due date, but Vanessa is now over 100 days old. I don't know why that seems so significant to me, but it does. I had hoped and prayed since she was born that she would be home by now, but she isn't. I can't help but feel frustrated. Everything bothers me. I get bothered when I can't get a closer parking spot at the hospital, because every wasted moment is keeping me away from not only Vanessa, but Henry and Travis too. On New Years Eve, we brought our fire pit out into the street and roasted marshmellows with the neighbors and their family. The neighbors mother in-law started talking to me about her 30 something daughter and how she was born just over 5 pounds and that she had to stay in the hospital for 9 days and how difficult that was... are you FREAKING kidding me??? Luckily, I am not a violent person, but all I could think of was flying over that fire pit and clobbering the lady. I simply responded to her, "Tomorrow is 100 days". She didn't have much to say after that. It's rather strange because I know, rationally, that she was just trying to relate to me, but my heart felt otherwise.

I've never been much of a runner (rofl), but I imagine that this last stretch feels similar to the last mile of a marathon. So close, but still so far. I've asked the dreaded question of when, and most of the Doctors and Nurse Practitioners agree another 2 to 3 weeks. I'm ready...