Hernandez Heroes: 4 Months... 123 Days... But Who's Counting?

Today, Vanessa is 4 months old and still has not been outside the hospital. Her entire world is one room that has no windows and it's rather depressing. I had thought that passing her due date would be difficult, but today, 4 months old has turned out to be much harder. I never expected that we would be in the hospital for 4 months. Honestly, I don't know how we made it this far. I think back to all those 60 something days on the ventilator, and how I longed for the days to come, and yet I still find myself looking forward to the future. I dream of having a "wireless baby", where when I pick her up, I don't have to worry about her being hooked on to odds and ends. I dream about Vanessa eating food, sitting up, crawling, walking, talking... I dream a lot about her talking, and I dream about how sweet her little voice will be. I think a lot too. I think about both Travis and Vanessa, and how I love them so much that I don't think they will ever quite understand. But mostly, I pray for the day that my family will be under one roof.

Vanessa is 8 lbs 7 oz, and it looks like the dream that I had a few months ago that she was 10 lbs when she came home may end up being a reality. So, the burning question... Why can't she come home? Right now, Vanessa is on low enough oxygen that she could come home with the oxygen. The problem is now that when she bottle feeds, she is normally only able to take 25-50% of the amount she needs to take. What seems to happen is she refluxes (heartburn for us grown ups) and because it's painful she kind of shuts down and decides not to continue eating. It is so frustrating. The worst part about it is to see her in pain. She has been through so much, it seems completely unfair for her to have been dealt this card as well.

I'm still angry. I'm angry that the woman with the baby two babies down from Vanessa has a 3 lb baby that is doing so well, that the baby will probably go home before Vanessa. I'm angry that I have been back at work for 3 months, and I only get 2 hours a day with my baby, and that mom spends all day with her baby. I'm angry that I can't be with Vanessa to soothe her and comfort her, and to show her just how much I love her. I'm especially angry that today, when I left I could hear her cry and the thought of her crying when I'm not there breaks my heart.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.