Full Circle

The last few days for me have been very nostalgic. I knew this was coming, but it honestly didn't hit me until last week when I was watching X-Factor. Silly, I know! But while I was watching it, I was brought back to my time spent in the hospital before Vanessa was born. It was probably one of the hardest times in my life, even harder than after Vanessa was born. I had so much anxiety about the road ahead, and yet all I could try to do was remain as peaceful as possible. Some days in the hospital were better than others, but the day that X-Factor premiered was especially difficult. Henry had come to have dinner with me, and left earlier in the evening to be home with Travis. I was so lonely, and the hardest thing was that because my blood pressure wasn't stable so I couldn't talk on the phone all day because I didn't want to do anything to raise my blood pressure. So that evening, I laid in the very uncomfortable bed and watched X-Factor and cried.

This really got me thinking about everything that happened leading up to Vanessa's birth. I did a lot of praying and meditating the days before her birth. I knew what it meant to have a baby born as early as she was, and I knew it wasn't good. I laid there, imagining a curly haired girl playing in the surf at the beach. She was perfect, giggling and playing in the ocean. This is what got me through, was the hope that someday she would be healthy and strong. I knew that this may never be the picture, but I hoped and prayed that it would be.

Lucky and blessed don't even come close to describing how I feel about Vanessa now. Saying that I'm the luckiest Mom on Earth wouldn't even suffice. Sometimes, usually late at night, when Vanessa is giving me trouble I get frustrated, but it usually only lasts a moment until I realize that even the trouble she gives me I cherish.

While I was in the hospital, and then Vanessa for 4 1/2 months, the hardship on Travis was great. This broke my heart. I wanted so badly for Travis to have a sibling, but I didn't ever envision it happening like this. I know now that this was the right decision, but last year when I couldn't see an hour ahead, let alone a year, I didn't know. Travis is so in love with Vanessa, and it does my heart good to see that.

To be continued in a few days... when our precious miracle is 1 year old ♥



This picture was taken on September 17th, 2011. 5 days before Vanessa's birth.
This was a real smile, because it was the day I reached 25 weeks gestation,
where the odds for survival go up dramatically.