Last Halloween

I don't believe I posted anything last year for halloween, because to be quite honest, I didn't feel like I had much that I wanted to share. I feel like halloween was probably the hardest holiday out of all the holidays Vanessa spent in the hospital. Maybe because it was the first, or maybe because she had just been put back on the oscillator (high frequency ventilator) which meant I couldn't hold her, or maybe it was because I felt so broken and the world just kept spinning anyways. We'll just say all of the above.

Here are some never before seen photos of Vanessa last halloween. I knew that we wouldn't be able to dress her up, so I bought some butterfly wings for her that are actually a wall decoration, but they worked because they were small enough to get into her isolette. I never saw them on her, because when I went to see her in the afternoon she was lying on her back. But the night nurses set it up and took these pictures for me. The nurse told me that it was the sweetest thing because the wings were fluttering from the high frequency ventilator. I wish I could have seen that...

And of course we can't leave out my handsome Travis! He was so excited to be a character from Star Wars. He looked like such a cute little Jedi, except when he had the mask on. That mask was creepy.

 

 

I'll get some pictures up of the kids from today in another post. I just really wanted to share how far we've come. Last year, I couldn't even think about another Halloween for Vanessa because I didn't know if it would ever happen. This time last year she was just getting worse and worse each day, and the only thing working in her favor was that she was able to continue to get her nutrition from milk and not IV's. My heart is so full today to be able to spend it at home with my wonderful husband and my two amazing kids.

 

♥ Cassea

aka Grateful Mama

You're so Lucky

I often times think about how lucky and blessed I am. While my kids have had struggles, all kids do at some point or another. There is no perfect child and we all have our own battles to face.

That being said, I have something to share from a parent/teacher conference today. I took both Travis and Vanessa to Travis's parent/teacher conference with me because let's face it, I'm not going to ask someone to watch my kids for 30 minutes for a conference. Travis's teacher knows about Vanessa and her story so I don't have to explain things which is helpful. Today though, a reading specialist who works with Travis also attended the conference. I was holding Vanessa and she asked how old Vanessa was, and I replied "1 year old". The reading specialist looked puzzled, and so Travis's teacher piped in "Both Travis and Vanessa were preemies." The reading specialist looked at me expectantly, so I added that Travis was born at 31 weeks and Vanessa at 25 weeks. She then said to me "You're so lucky". I thought, yes I really am. I get comments like that all the time, and it always causes me to reflect on just how lucky I am. Until she added "I was 3 weeks overdue with my kids and I was so uncomfortable." REALLY?

Now, I don't think in any way whatsoever that she intended to hurt my feelings. I'm sure that she just thought about how uncomfortable she really was. But how thoughtless? Being uncomfortable at the end of a pregnancy would have been a rite of passage that I would have gladly accepted if that meant that my kids were going to be ok.

That would have prevented:

• Intubation
• Possible Brain Bleeds
• Being able to hold my children immediately after birth
• Blood Transfusions
• PICC Lines
• TPN
• Oxygen
• Taking my kids home when I went home

I want everyone to know that I feel so blessed and LUCKY everyday when I look at my 2 amazing children. But I don't feel lucky that I didn't have to endure the uncomfortable stage of pregnancy, I feel lucky that they are alive and that I can hold them, squeeze them and love them everyday.

♥ Cassea