So This Is Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!

For the past week or so, I've been thinking quite a bit about how I feel about Christmas this year. I've felt every emotion over it, but I've settled on the feeling of bittersweet. Bitter in the fact that Vanessa is not home with us sitting under our Christmas tree, but sweet in the fact that I will have her for years and years of Christmas's to come.

Christmas couldn't come this year without a few milestones, which we are very grateful for! The first of which is that Vanessa has been moved out of the Level 3 NICU which is the one that has the highest support and care. This is outstanding news because it signifies just how stable she is now and how much closer we are to bringing that sweet little girl home! What it means for me is not having to see oscilliators, jets, ventilators, cpaps, surgeries, ect. It also means that I don't have to listen to the constant alarms that would make my heart skip a beat every time I heard it. While this means a lot for Vanessa's progress, I think I'm most grateful for this move giving me back some sanity.

We also had a wee Christmas Miracle this morning. Lisa, Vanessa's primary nurse tried feeding her a bottle this morning, and for some reason my sweet little girl decided she was going to figure it out, because she drank a whole ounce in less than 15 minutes! I wasn't there when this happened, but Lisa said it was as if she was a whole new baby! YAYA!

I also had been waiting for a special moment for Travis to hold his little sister, and about a week ago I decided that today (Christmas) would be the day. I saw this as a special gift to Travis that he had been waiting 3 months for. It was an incredible moment and one that I will forever cherish.

Take a look at some pictures of Henry and I's first married Christmas as well as our first Christmas as a family of 4!

Vanessa in her pretty Christmas Tutu made by volunteers with the March of Dimes!

The Hernandez Family, all dressed up in our Christmas clothes!

My Handsome Men!

Hernandez Family (minus Vanessa)

Travis anxiously waiting to open all those presents!

Travis said multiple times that Santa was the best, ever!

The highlight of our Christmas ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

♥ Cassea

3 Months

My sweet baby girl is now 3 months old. She is a whopping 6 and 1/2 lbs and is 17 inches long. I'm happy to report that she continues to make progress on her oxygen needs, and so although we dont know when she is coming home or whether she'll come home with oxygen, we are comforted by the small gains. We've started working aggresively on feeding, and she does a great job nursing but is struggling with bottle feeding. Figures right? I think alot of the time people think that she should be able to figure this out easily, but I've got a good analogy to compare. Imagine if you were bedridden for 3 months and how hard it would be to get up and start walking again. Obviously you would eventually regain your strength, but it would take a lot of effort. Vanessa has not eaten for her entire life. For her whole 3 months of life, a tube has been in her belly giving her food. So working for her meals is going to be very different for her and it's going to take a lot of practice and effort. I wish that I could just nurse her all the time, because she really is showing me how efficient she is at it!

In the last 2 weeks we have had some big milestones. Beyond feeding, Henry held Vanessa for the first time! I don't blame him for waiting... All the tubes and wires can be very scary, but he did it.

It's so funny how my feelings have changed about things. When Vanessa was super teeny tiny, I dreamt of the day that she would wear all her cute little clothes. Now that she is wearing them, I cherish the moments that I get to see her cute little body without clothes. Silly, I know!

I bought this for Vanessa before she was born. It's crazy to me that she fits in it.

You can't see it, but it says "Little Sister".



I love being a mama to Travis and Vanessa. They are so very special to me, and I long for the day that we are all under one roof.

♥ Cassea

Milestones

Where have I been? Pumping, driving, working, sleeping! It's been so hard to work in sometime to update, but here we are.... 12:30 am.... While it has been a long time since I've updated, you can consider that a good thing. Vanessa is making progress daily, and since I've last updated, we've had several milestones!

Firstly, Vanessa is starting to have alert periods in the day where she is wide awake! It is so wonderful to see her beautiful eyes looking around at the room. Vanessa's primary nurse, Lisa (who is our angel, by the way) had told me that we needed to get her a mobile so that she had something to look at. So I went online and tried to find the cutest/developmentally friendly mobile, and I think I succeeded! The nurses love Vanessa's mobile! It's the talk of the unit!

Secondly, my dear sweet son finally was able to touch Vanessa. It was probably one of the most precious moments of my life. Travis had absolutely no reservations or fears, he walked right up to her and started touching her hair. Since he seemed borderline obsessed with her hair, I had him grab her brush and he brushed her hair. My heart was soaring!

Now, we have been having quite a bit of fun with Vanessa now that she is in her big girl crib, because we've been having to play dress up. Somehow, we ended up with quite a bit of preemie clothes, so we've been changing her clothes left and right to make sure that we are using everything.

I also got to help give Vanessa a bath last week. She was so well behaved! We did a swaddle bath where you wrap the baby in a blanket and put her in the tub, and wash one part of her body at a time, all the while keeping her nice and cozy. It was an amazing experience! She was happy, I was happy, life was good!

We've been working on her room as well, so that it is ready for her when the princess makes her grand entrance! I was having second thoughts about the bedding I had bought (which I guess I shouldn't be surprised with myself, considering that I did the same thing with Travis) but either way, I still had my reciept and time to return her bedding. I have been saving some Discover gift card that I was awarded at work, and last Friday I got another $75, so it was time. I drove my butt all the way out to Scottsdale and walked into Pottery Barn Kids and bought Vanessa the sweetest little bedding I had ever seen. It's perfect, and what's most important is that it's her. We still have a lot of work to do on her room, but here is a little sneak peak!

The last month has felt so different than the beginning. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is shining bright! Vanessa is still needing oxygen support, but nowhere near where she has been, and that's what we are so grateful for. She may have to come home on oxygen, which gives me so much anxiety, but it would be minimal, and the key to that is that she would be HOME! It's easy to lose sight of that, because ultimately I don't think any parent wants to accept that their child would go home anything less than perfect, but if that is what she needs to grow and thrive, then that's what she needs.

Can you believe this sweet little girl is mine?

She is off in dream land...

Music seems to be very therapeutic for me lately, and I feel like every song is telling me a story. The song that has been standing out in my mind lately is a new Rihanna song, and I kinda feel like it's Vanessa's anthem.

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
to fly, to fly

♥ Cassea

Code White

Spending everyday in the NICU can be so draining. Although we feel very blessed and happy with the progress Vanessa is making, fear is always looming that something may go wrong. On Sunday, a baby in the unit passed away. They call it a code white so that the staff knows what is going on and will act appropriately. I can't help but feel awful for that family. Why? I don't understand how it's fair, because I know it is not. I looked at the spot where the baby once was, photos posted all around and an oscilattor sitting their turned off. It was a hard emotion to face, because all my feelings toward that machine have bee negative. I would stare at it every day for 21 days knowing that it was preventing me from snuggling with Vanessa, but when I looked at it on Sunday it looked sad and disappointed. It looked like it wanted to say "I tried, but I just couldn't do enough". I don't know the details around this baby passing away, but I do know that the family must be struggling. So what I ask is that when you say a prayer for Vanessa, say a prayer for all the babies that are born too soon or have to be in the NICU for whatever reason. I feel so lucky tohave gotten this far, but we still have a long road ahead. Vanessa still needs to learn to eat, which can be very challenging for preemies.

♥ Cassea

Henry convinced me to get out of town for a night, and I'm really glad I listened.

We went to Sedona and just enjoyed the beautiful scenery. The nurses and doctors all supported/encouraged this mini vacay and said that Vanessa would be fine, which of course she was!

My son has become quite the photographer, and that is what our trip consisted of, Travis taking pictures!

Vanessa on CPAP. She is finally starting to get used to the mask, which is good!

She is getting to be quite the little porker (which I think everyone thinks I'm crazy when I say that, but she has quadrupled in size!) She is now 4lbs 12 oz and growing so fast that she may not have a chance to wear all her preemie clothes!

Vanessa's set up. Big Bed for Big Girl!