How Old Is Your Baby???

I guess to most parents, the question of "How old is your baby" would go unnoticed and probably would never provoke much thought at all. Throw a micro preemie into the equation, and clearly you have a game changer. I really never put much thought into that particular question until recently. I suppose that being sheltered at home on the island when Travis came home helped a lot, because most people knew his story and knew that he was small. I suppose I was lucky in that respect, that the town knew not to ask, and maybe because he was only 9 weeks early, people didn't see the such a dramatic difference between him and a full term infant. Vanessa is the game changer.

I think back to a week or two prior to Vanessa's release from the hospital to a day that the unit Social Worker came to chat with me. This was not abnormal. Spending everyday at Vanessa's bedside for almost 5 months earned us quite a few visitors. Doctors, nurses, social workers, speech therapists, occupational therapists and more visited us daily, and we enjoyed it. On this particular day though, the Social Worker had something she wanted to prepare me for. She asked me a question that I didn't know how to answer. She asked me "What are you going to say when someone asks 'how old is your baby?' ". I was perplexed. I really hadn't put any thought into it. Maybe because I was so engulfed in the chaos of the hospital, but I just hadn't envisioned those moments when I had Vanessa out with me in the public. The Social Worker I'm sure saw the look on my face, revealing that it hadn't even crossed my mind and explained that this was something she heard from a lot of parents after discharge. She explained that there are 2 ways to handle it. A) Tell the innocent bystander the truth, risking that you may have to share more with an innocent stranger than you would like to, or B) Lie and give Vanessa's due date, which would ward off any uncomfortable questions.

Well, lying to me seemed out of the question. It didn't seem right to discredit all that Vanessa has been through by saying she is something that she is not. So I chose to tell strangers the truth, and found that wasn't much easier. I got responses like "she is really small" or "I just saw another 6 month old, he was much bigger". That stung, if only the knew how small she was and how far she's come.

So, I've come to a few realizations. The first is that when someone asks the dreaded question "How old is your baby?" I reply very vaguely and say "oh, she's little". I've found a lot of success with this, because it seems to prevent any additional questions without being rude or hurtful. Secondly, and most importantly, I've decided the question itself is stupid. Yeah, I said it, stupid. I understand that it is a way to relate to a perfect stranger and acknowledge the beautiful baby with them, but try something else. "What's your baby's name?" would be perfectly appropriate. Please don't feel offended if you have asked this question, because I understand that until you have a 25 weeker, you really can't understand how it would feel. I'm sure that most mamas and daddys are happy to answer that question and see it as a badge of honor, but in the off chance that you come across a preemie parent, you just don't know what response you will get.

Ramblings of a Preemie Mama!

♥ Cassea

Thankful

Hello everyone!

I apologize about the long hiatus. But I have to say that my time is now spent enjoying my family, which it hadn't been for a long time. Honestly, I would rather be cozy with the kids then sit on the computer. However, Travis is at school, Vanessa is napping, and I am now putting off cleaning the kitchen. Sounds like a perfect time to post ;)

I have to tell you, Vanessa is everything we expected and more. She is quite the little diva. She does not like being at all cold and tells us when she is. A few days ago she laughed, it was the sweetest sound you could possibly imagine. We also went for a doctors appointment last week to check her weight/progress. Unfortunately, our primary Pediatrician was out on vacation, but I found out the Vanessa is 10 1/2 lbs! So obviously, she is getting the nutrition she needs. She is still on the pulse ox and even though it's a pain to lug it around, it's very comforting to know that if something went wrong, we would know. We have her 6 month appointment next week, and we'll see if her doctor thinks it's necessary to continue.

It's been crazy to be back at work. I know I was grateful for not having to work until Travis was 1 year old, but now, working with an infant at home, I really get how lucky I was. It isn't easy. But I know that things will just keep getting better, so I'm just moving along.

Vanessa has also slept through the night quite a bit through the last 2 weeks, which I am EXTREMELY happy about. You just don't realize how great 6-7 hours of uniterrupted sleep can be!

Well, this was all the time I had. Now I'm off to get ready for work!

♥ Cassea

Vanessa hanging out in her swing.

Vanessa and Auntie Caitlin in their St. Patricks Day green!

We had surprise visitors for Henry's Birthday!
Nana helping give Vanessa a bath.

Snoozing in her stroller on her Tante Quilt.

Daddy and Travis playing with Vanessa
during her bubble bath.

What's In A Name?

I have been pondering this blog entry in my mind since the day I was admitted to the hospital with high blood pressure. I imagined that had I had another preemie, especially such an early one, that a blog would be most fitting to keep everyone informed. I could see myself being inundated with calls and texts asking about the baby, and I could already see that there would be days that I just wouldn't want to talk. So as I laid in the hospital, I thought long and hard about what I would name my blog. I wanted something that would not only recognize Vanessa, but also Travis, because I envisioned that eventually this blog would not be about the hospital and ventilators and blood transfusions, but about our journey.

I couldn't get the image of a Hero out of my mind. I guess you could partially blame this on having a 5 year old boy obsessed with Spiderman, Batman and Superman. All of which are considered Heroes, but when I really thought long and hard about what a Hero was to me, it wasn't the obvious. I scoured the internet looking for something that would explain my feelings of what a Hero was. This is what I found:

A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. -Christopher Reeve

Now you may think I'm arrogant enough to think that this word is to reflect Henry and I through this journey, but that is not the case. My kids are my Heroes. For some reason, they chose to fight and be here with us. They are ordinary kids faced with extraordinary challenges, and many years from now when they graduate college, get married and have their own kids, it won't matter that they came into the world on such a rough road. But for me, I will always remember where they started and how far they have come.

I want you to join me in being a Hero. As many of you know, for the past few years, Henry and I have had a family team for the March for Babies named Team Travis. This year, we will be the Hernandez Heroes. We would like your support! Travis and Vanessa are here today not only because they are fighters, but because of the research that the March of Dimes has supported to help premature babies. Be a Hero for babies!

April 14, 2012
Metro Phoenix
Wesley Bolin Plaza

1700 W. Washington St.

Phoenix, AZ  85007

Please visit our Team Website:  http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1800714

This is how what I've come up with for the team shirts so far.

♥ Cassea

HOME!

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post, but the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. It started out around the 7th of February. By then, it seemed that Vanessa was going to be strong enough to go home. By then, it had been over a week since she had the feeding tube in, and we had trialed her off oxygen and she was doing ok. The plan was that she would come home on Friday, February 10th as long as she was able to continue eating and gaining weight. As luck would have it, on Wednesday night, Vanessa had a miserable night. She was extremely fussy and had a nurse that hadn't had her since days back on the oscilattor. So on Thursday, after a night of crying, she was understandably exhausted. But because of that, she wasn't very interested in eating, so the doctors didn't feel comfortable sending her home. So we waited, again, to give her the opportunity to show us what she's made of. And she did! She had a fantastic weekend, so on Sunday we (me and the nurses) pushed for Vanessa's discharge. The doctor that saw her on Sunday had only seen Vanessa a few times in her life, but after assessing her and speaking with the nurses, he felt comfortable discharging her.

Lisa, our primary nurse who has been with us for the long haul texted me that she was coming home. I was excited, yet reserved. Not only was I concerned about bringing a micro-preemie home, but I really didn't believe it was happening. I've tried to not get excited at the prospect of Vanessa coming home, because honestly, I've been told since the beginning of January "Probably just another week" almost every week until she came home. I learned to contain myself and not tell everyone, because I really didn't want to tell someone for the 10th time that it didn't happen.

But on February 12th, on our 1 year wedding, and almost at the exact time that Henry and I were saying "I do", Vanessa came home. It was the most precious and meaningful gift I could have asked for. With Friday having been delayed, we had a feeling that Sunday would be the day, so to celebrate I made Wedding Day Quiche for Henry and I and brought in some for the nurses, nurse practitioners and doctors.

It was the most surreal moment. I had hoped and dreamed and prayed for it, but I couldn't ever picture it happening. I was able to picture her at home and going on trips as a family, but I couldn't see the day that she would come home. It's interesting too, because with Travis, Henry and I felt like we were stealing Travis when we left; like we had broke him out. It didn't feel like that with Vanessa. It felt like a graduation, a promotion from one step to the next, and most importantly, it felt right.

Vanessa in her "Coming Home" outfit that her Daddy got for her. Everything right now is spring, so we had to put a long sleeve shirt on underneath for warmth. She had to wear her hospital band until she left the hospital.

Vanessa and Travis with Lisa (our angel on the left) and Karen (who took great care of Vanessa in the beginning when she was very critical). I explained to Lisa that the blanket that Vanessa had on her was made by my Great Grandma when Travis was born, and that she had since passed away. Lisa responded something along the lines of "well it's clear that someone had been looking out for her." I immediately teared up, because I know that Vanessa had an army of Angels guarding her, and I believe that Grandma T was leading the pack.

Travis snuggling with Vanessa on our drive home! He is clearly in heaven!

I was worried about how she would be, considering that she had never even been outside, I just didn't know how she would react to the carseat and drive home. She did just fine!

Vanessa's first bath at home!

Vanessa's first night home!

 Thank you to everyone that has been so loving, supportive and understanding. Henry, Travis, Vanessa and I appreciate your prayers, warm thoughts and good vibes.

♥ Cassea

Progress

Sorry everyone for the previous post. I didn't mean to worry anyone, but it had been a rough couple of days. Since then, we've actually made some big progress. First, and I guess one benefit to still being in the hospital is that Vanessa was able to get her 4 month shots (and be watched closely for adverse effects). I was with her for 2 of the 3 shots, and both times she let out one sad cry, and was done! She is one tough girl! Vanessa is 8 lbs 14 oz and growing like a weed! After we got the shots out of the way, on Saturday morning, Miss Vanessa was being a wild one with her oxygen prongs. She was grabbing at them and had them in her mouth and eventually up on top of her nose, so Vanessa's primary nurse wasn't having it, so she just took the oxygen off! That was Saturday morning at 8 am, and here we are late Sunday night and she hasn't needed them yet. It's too soon to say whether she will tire out and need it again, but I'm very excited that she has gotten this far. It comforts me that if she were home on oxygen, and pulled off her oxygen she wouldn't be in immediate danger. We've also made some strides with feeding! Over the weekend I was able to nurse Vanessa for 4 out of her 6 feeds (this was decided upon by her doctor since Vanessa is such a good nurser, but crummy bottle feeder). We are hoping with the recent strides that we will be going home soon, and right now there is a big chance that we will take home a "wireless" baby.

I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel again... We are making progress, and it feels good!

 Some of our first pictures with no O2 and no feeding tube!

 Bath Time!

 Daddy-Daughter Snuggling

 Vanessa doing her Carseat test. She has to be in the seat for 1.5 hours and not need any oxygen support to pass. She didn't need support, but she dropped her oxygen saturation a little, so we may have to repeat this test. Doesn't she look just perfect in that carseat?

Snoozin... Vanessa has reflux (very common with preemies) so after she eats, it helps for her to stay upright.



4 Months... 123 Days... But Who's Counting?

Today, Vanessa is 4 months old and still has not been outside the hospital. Her entire world is one room that has no windows and it's rather depressing. I had thought that passing her due date would be difficult, but today, 4 months old has turned out to be much harder. I never expected that we would be in the hospital for 4 months. Honestly, I don't know how we made it this far. I think back to all those 60 something days on the ventilator, and how I longed for the days to come, and yet I still find myself looking forward to the future. I dream of having a "wireless baby", where when I pick her up, I don't have to worry about her being hooked on to odds and ends. I dream about Vanessa eating food, sitting up, crawling, walking, talking... I dream a lot about her talking, and I dream about how sweet her little voice will be. I think a lot too. I think about both Travis and Vanessa, and how I love them so much that I don't think they will ever quite understand. But mostly, I pray for the day that my family will be under one roof.

Vanessa is 8 lbs 7 oz, and it looks like the dream that I had a few months ago that she was 10 lbs when she came home may end up being a reality. So, the burning question... Why can't she come home? Right now, Vanessa is on low enough oxygen that she could come home with the oxygen. The problem is now that when she bottle feeds, she is normally only able to take 25-50% of the amount she needs to take. What seems to happen is she refluxes (heartburn for us grown ups) and because it's painful she kind of shuts down and decides not to continue eating. It is so frustrating. The worst part about it is to see her in pain. She has been through so much, it seems completely unfair for her to have been dealt this card as well.

I'm still angry. I'm angry that the woman  with the baby two babies down from Vanessa has a 3 lb baby that is doing so well, that the baby will probably go home before Vanessa. I'm angry that I have been back at work for 3 months, and I only get 2 hours a day with my baby, and that mom spends all day with her baby. I'm angry that I can't be with Vanessa to soothe her and comfort her, and to show her just how much I love her. I'm especially angry that today, when I left I could hear her cry and the thought of her crying when I'm not there breaks my heart.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

 Vanessa had some very special visitors, the Politi Girls!

Vanessa is starting to look like her Daddy!

  

Miss Vanessa is starting to smile!

Swinging away!

Vanessa's World

100 Days

New Years day not only marked my due date, but Vanessa is now over 100 days old. I don't know why that seems so significant to me, but it does. I had hoped and prayed since she was born that she would be home by now, but she isn't. I can't help but feel frustrated. Everything bothers me. I get bothered when I can't get a closer parking spot at the hospital, because every wasted moment is keeping me away from not only Vanessa, but Henry and Travis too. On New Years Eve, we brought our fire pit out into the street and roasted marshmellows with the neighbors and their family. The neighbors mother in-law started talking to me about her 30 something daughter and how she was born just over 5 pounds and that she had to stay in the hospital for 9 days and how difficult that was... are you FREAKING kidding me??? Luckily, I am not a violent person, but all I could think of was flying over that fire pit and clobbering the lady. I simply responded to her, "Tomorrow is 100 days". She didn't have much to say after that. It's rather strange because I know, rationally, that she was just trying to relate to me, but my heart felt otherwise.

I've never been much of a runner (rofl), but I imagine that this last stretch feels similar to the last mile of a marathon. So close, but still so far. I've asked the dreaded question of when, and most of the Doctors and Nurse Practitioners agree another 2 to 3 weeks. I'm ready...